All is well... ?

So the mantra goes, all is well, all is well. Marriage is a tough nut to crack aint it? There are times when you feel as though everything is going to work out and you are happy and life is grand, and then there are times when you feel like why do I even try, it's hopeless. Right now I am on the knifes edge trying to figure out which side to fall down on, and which side is true.

I know those are extreme opposite ends of the spectrum but it is also kinda like weather in that way. Do you ever feel on a sunny day like all is right with the world, and then on a rainy one that you can't see very far past your current woes?

I guess the hard part is discerning which side of that coin is real, or if in fact, maybe, your marriage, and life is both, it is the WHOLE coin, it is ALL weather, even tsunami's, and 'kids jumping off a bridge into the river in the middle of dublin hot' all in one 24 hour period.

From the sounds of a metaphor sure, it's the coin right, all weather etc, the planet survives the weather, and the coin does not discriminate when tossed? Well... while metaphors are kinda great for explaining complex situations, they are also great at distorting reality and missing the oh so important granular stuff.

I don't know how I should feel and whether the weather is changing for the worse (global warming) and I should take drastic measures, like moving further inland, or if it's just one of those bad days, not as bad as it seems, just hunker down and wait it out.

Today is kind of a trial for me, obviously I lost the proverbial coin toss today, it's raining, can't  you tell from the tone? I wanted to write about it not to b*tch and moan, but rather to wonder aloud if this is something I can change, if I struggle against it, and do something major about it, does that just make things worse, should I just stand still while the glass is broken on the floor around me (in that metaphor obviously the answer is yes, but who will clean up the glass)? My biggest fear if I do this is that I will just stand still and still and still, until I have lost more time to a situation that isn't good.

I promise, to write a post on one of those sunny days in our marriage, so that I can temper this bad day with that good one, maybe all is not as bad as it seems, maybe I do take life too seriously. I can temper that too, if needed, if that is all that's wrong.

Onwards and upwards though, time to work the day away, and get home to my precious daughter, and maybe dip my toes in the water, to see what the temperature is.

Knitting Sexy - and a work/life balance

This is how I feel on the inside ;) Thank you second trimester 'cravings'/Jason being gone for 5 weeks (sarcasm). Looking forward to him getting home.

Now onto the work/life balance aspect as represented in the title by the word 'knitting', and less of the innuendo'. I clicked through on this link (which is where I got the picture) and got all inspired to knit again and remembered that when I thought about my future pregnant self (now a current reality) I imagined myself knitting, and reading about being a mum (generally preparing), listening to music strapped to my belly for baby, and you know just generally preparing for motherhood and labor and delivery.

I imagined myself at work too, a little embarassed about my belly and how unreal that would feel. In my mind it would still be me without all this hormonal chaos, but in fact I am kinda halfway in between being who I was who I am going to be (a mum) and the life I am going to live. Certainly disrupted, and certainly not all my own, because that is already happening, but also the joy, excitement, and all the possibility it will bring.

So I am in a chrysalis mode right now, and it's a good thing, but the transition is mostly difficult at this stage, awkward to deal with alone, and I am learning a few things.

I need to relax more and focus on being the pregnant person I wanted to be, because the vision I had of what I wanted to do and be does matter, and the only person hurting because I am not doing it, is me and baby. So more knitting, and decluttering and putting away of the clothes that no longer fit.

I am having to be more realistic at work too which is difficult. My first instinct is always and has, up until recently been, 'I can do that!' and I immediately sign up, but the reality is it leads to working every weekend til late, and some evenings, keeping up with commitments I made possibly rashly. Add to that the regular 'being an adult stuff' (dealing with phone companies and tenant issues), and dishes sitting around in the kitchen for WAY too long, and WAY too many for 1 and a bit persons and you get a bit of an overwhelming situation that it's hard to imagine anyone being able to help with.

So for my work life balance/sanity, I am going to live as I mean to a little more each day, and that means working as hard I as I can during the work day, setting goals and timelines for each task and really doing only what I can within the timeline because I have to move onto something else I promised tomorrow. That should free up my evenings and weekends substantially. Lets face it, I am much more tired than usual atm and the stress of working so much has not been good for me thus far or for my long distance relationship with my gorgeous hubby.

I am also trying to subscribe to the happiness project edict of 1 shelf at a time, of cleaning and organizing, swapping out my clothes, and getting enough rest. I am not going to 'commit' to more goals in the personal realm such as more knitting and exercise etc, because that will just create further stress, but I will say that 'soon' I will be knitting and dancing, reading and feeling good about my progress at work and around the house. That's it for my lofty goals until I have the baby. Persistent, one step at a time, 'stress less' and 'enjoy more' attitude daily.

BTW upcoming events milestones are for July 28, we find out sex of the baby, and I get to become a US citizen.