Change

I went through a change recently, it's still happening to me actually. It's complex and perhaps it was always happening but it was more under the surface, for whatever reason, I am hyper aware of it and have been for a few months.

It's really hard to explain, as it's been in countless small ways. I can't pinpoint exact reasons for it or what exactly it means, but I feel like I want to document it and through writing try to extract what I can from what I remember, for posterity, and for myself really when I am old and changed again, to remember, who I was in my 20's, who it feels like I am going to be in my 30's and be able to reflect from a vantage point far in the future of that, (if I'm lucky).

The biggest change in my life that probably had a direct impact on this was the arrival of Saoirse, and my move home to Ireland. Other things in my life such as my marriage, are benefiting and god knows what else.

Another contributing factor is that I can feel my perceptions shifting, the following example is of it happening at work.

I just noticed it happening in my perception of complexity in what others around me are doing. While I know that they are only human and are most likely dealing with no greater than the complexity I have, before I would have had that negative voice whispering that other people think that what I am doing isn't really that hard, but my perception has somehow shifted to a less complex world at work. I no longer worry about it, I have a renewed and unshakable belief that my contribution here is specific to my skill set, and would not be easy for someone else to do well, and that it is a good contribution.

To ponder on what events might have led to this little shift that felt epiphanic (I just thought of that word, and lo and behold it is really a word) this is what was going on in my mind, and what had happened that might have led to this epiphany or shift in perception.

For the last couple of days and all day today, I was dreading my user interviews that I had been setting up because I felt as if I wasn't as prepared as I should be. This was totally in error, and I was as well prepared as I needed to be, it went well and I got what I needed, as I always have. This was my perception and anxiety talking which I am recognizing more and more as hijacking my life and paralyzing my actions in an unwelcome way.

It triggered a sense of panic about the interviews and I know it does that to other areas of my life, easily overwhelming me with it regularly. I get anxious when I get overwhelmed, and just 15 minutes ago, I felt a shift in perception on this. I saw things that bit more more simply, experiencing and reflecting on how my expectations did not match my reality and that the reality was better than the anticipation made it out to be.

To overcome these feelings may require simply realizing in lots of small ways through purposeful reflection even, that things are simpler and less scary than I first perceive them to be... almost always.

This apparently has the effect of addressing the mild sense of panic that begins to rise, countering it with a soothing reminder of how things went well and usually do. With this happening I feel more powerful and capable and in control as a result.

This is just me in my life and of course just my own personal theory, and a reflection at that, but I think finally I feel it is justified and worthy of others to read about it. It is doing me good, I feel better for it, maybe it can help someone else, and expressing it feels good, and lets me keep my interest in psychology and why people do and feel things alive.

This change has resulted in my being just that little bit more happy to be me, and not feeling the need to perpetually justify or explain (even excuse) my idiosyncrasies.

It feels good, so I'm gonna keep doing it.

Addendum: The 'change' is still happening in lots of habit changing, self awareness, shifting of my axis kind of ways. There is a responsibility for self, slowing down in my brain, more purposeful and yet still driven way forward. There have been a few catalysts, the ones discussed above, things at work, and the Ted conference, being exposed to all these people that define their own purpose and raison d'etre in life, unapologetically, and I realized suddenly, that this life is MINE and I don't need anyone's approval or understanding, or agreement with what I choose to do with it. I can't believe I am only figuring this out now at 30 but I am just so glad I have.

Unfinished thoughts...

This post could be what my new blog name relates to, who knows with my subconscious in charge. Here ya go, some unfinished theory straight from my inner mind.


I was hypothesizing earlier today and wonder if there is any connection between someone who suffers from a generally heightened state of anxiety, and alzheimers or dementia later in life. Those with a rich or at least 'busy' inner monologue, or subconscious existence.

I got this thought instinctually this morning, when my brain was in the middle of one of it's spirals, playing out scenario's that will likely never happen, seemingly at random. This occurs when I stop consciously controlling my thoughts and kind of 'zone out', like when you are on a bus staring into space, or in my case, pumping at work.

I believe this pattern of thought over a long period of time, is correlated with generalized anxiety, which I was diagnosed with back in College, and which I think is just one of those things, but now I wonder if it has a possible harmful effect on the way the brain stores and processes memories.

The constant flurry of thought in those 'zoned out' states, disorganized, and for the most part left unfinished, scenarios that don't complete or are missing vital info (causing a 'can't quite put my finger on it' anxiety on an almost constant basis), it feels like maybe the cause could be that chemicals/hormones are reacting to all the possible scenarios as if they are really happening, leading the person to truly experience each scenario mentally and emotionally.

If so then perhaps this is the reason anxiety, from the constant mental gymnastics and unknowns left unknown in the subconscious lead to an exhausted befuddlement. I sometimes feel as if all my thoughts have played out to such a length that they lose their elasticity, and cannot be re used for a new thought... in those moments I feel thoroughly exhausted and struggle to form clear lines of thought. It's a kind of mental exhaustion.

Sometimes I am just tired, but it feels like this could be one of the reasons why.

None of this has been researched or looked up in any way to back up my thought, but just comes from my theorizing, and subconscious wanderings, but still, it feels like I clear the air a little just getting this out for posterity.

Of course the natural antidote to this is meditation, a purposeful clearing of the mind, acknowledging thoughts as they enter, and dismissing them just as quickly. It is a mental rest, and some how a way to control the subconscious, preventing it from controlling you.