All is well... ?

So the mantra goes, all is well, all is well. Marriage is a tough nut to crack aint it? There are times when you feel as though everything is going to work out and you are happy and life is grand, and then there are times when you feel like why do I even try, it's hopeless. Right now I am on the knifes edge trying to figure out which side to fall down on, and which side is true.

I know those are extreme opposite ends of the spectrum but it is also kinda like weather in that way. Do you ever feel on a sunny day like all is right with the world, and then on a rainy one that you can't see very far past your current woes?

I guess the hard part is discerning which side of that coin is real, or if in fact, maybe, your marriage, and life is both, it is the WHOLE coin, it is ALL weather, even tsunami's, and 'kids jumping off a bridge into the river in the middle of dublin hot' all in one 24 hour period.

From the sounds of a metaphor sure, it's the coin right, all weather etc, the planet survives the weather, and the coin does not discriminate when tossed? Well... while metaphors are kinda great for explaining complex situations, they are also great at distorting reality and missing the oh so important granular stuff.

I don't know how I should feel and whether the weather is changing for the worse (global warming) and I should take drastic measures, like moving further inland, or if it's just one of those bad days, not as bad as it seems, just hunker down and wait it out.

Today is kind of a trial for me, obviously I lost the proverbial coin toss today, it's raining, can't  you tell from the tone? I wanted to write about it not to b*tch and moan, but rather to wonder aloud if this is something I can change, if I struggle against it, and do something major about it, does that just make things worse, should I just stand still while the glass is broken on the floor around me (in that metaphor obviously the answer is yes, but who will clean up the glass)? My biggest fear if I do this is that I will just stand still and still and still, until I have lost more time to a situation that isn't good.

I promise, to write a post on one of those sunny days in our marriage, so that I can temper this bad day with that good one, maybe all is not as bad as it seems, maybe I do take life too seriously. I can temper that too, if needed, if that is all that's wrong.

Onwards and upwards though, time to work the day away, and get home to my precious daughter, and maybe dip my toes in the water, to see what the temperature is.

The Bear Necessities

Bear necessities, those simple bear necessities, forget about your worries and your strife! (Yeah man!) I need those bear necessities!

This blog post is about getting back to what's important, and figuring out what I care about most.

Part of the problem was that I never believed I was able to be singleminded enough to be really great at anything.

I always wondered why I couldn't stick to one pursuit and be a great singer, poet/songwriter or dancer. Just to do any of my favorite things as well as I would have liked. I accepted that I was a jack of all trades for many years and that was my excuse for never really dedicating myself to any of it. I never realized that all along I actually was dedicated with a dogged determination to the one thing that mattered the most to me.

For the last 8 years the dream and goal I have been pursuing was to return to Ireland without doing so foolishly. I wanted to still live a full life, keep advancing in my career, and not have to give up true love. Basically it had to make sense, and it hasn't until now. So I can forgive myself for not doing those other things because i have just reached the goal i had for 8 years and can even be proud of what I have achieved in getting here where I am now at a cross roads.

Getting here involved seizing the right opportunity at the right time, and having patience, both of these are difficult and things were harder than they needed to be thanks to the pace I set myself. All the 'milestones of life' I have rushed and pushed, I forgot to enjoy the journey, figure out what I truly wanted and take my time, to enjoy the journey.  It is sheer luck maybe that I actually have been truly blessed in what and who I have.

I don't know what the rush was though, it is one piece of advice I was given that I would try to give to my children, but I did not heed it when it was given to me. Don't be in such a hurry to do everything, especially grow up. Live a little, have some fun. I don't know how I will communicate how important this is to my kids, but I have a little time to figure that out.

but it's time to de clutter my life now. Take my time. Before I could only graze the surface of things that weren't part of getting here, but now that I have, I feel freed and fired up to see what's next. So the real question is,

What do you do when you finally achieve everything you thought you ever wanted?

I am committing myself to the pursuit of happiness, allowing myself to be present in the journey. The first step in the happiness project by Gretchen Rubin is simple, get enough rest, so you can have energy to use. Another is to de clutter your life, and so I will de clutter my goals, to accomodate my new status as a parent. With this in mind in mind, and some soul searching these are my four areas of focus. None matter without the others.

Resting... taking care of me - Stick to doing this, to enjoying the journey, taking my time, and being sure I have the energy to be at my best, so i can give my best. Making myself a priority is a challenge but doing it means I wont let others down.

Family - There is nothing more important than taking care of the most important people in my life. My daughter, husband, pets and family and friends all over the world. I am not doing this the way I want, and being able to love people and make room for them in my life is very important to me. Parenting is the biggest chunk of this next to falling in love with my husband every day, rediscovering all our love and joy, our reasons for being together, daily.

Career - Spending time developing my expertise and keeping current, being sharp and organized while at work, taking it to the next level, owning and taking pride in my work appearance and professional persona.

Self Expression - Song writing, blogging, getting to 'know thyself' (see my professional blog on using technology to do this and why it's important).

Anything else, I don't have room for right now, and will just take away from my ability to enjoy this phase of my life. I'm excited, and not anxious and thats a first, so bring it on, Carpe Diem.

Knitting Sexy - and a work/life balance

This is how I feel on the inside ;) Thank you second trimester 'cravings'/Jason being gone for 5 weeks (sarcasm). Looking forward to him getting home.

Now onto the work/life balance aspect as represented in the title by the word 'knitting', and less of the innuendo'. I clicked through on this link (which is where I got the picture) and got all inspired to knit again and remembered that when I thought about my future pregnant self (now a current reality) I imagined myself knitting, and reading about being a mum (generally preparing), listening to music strapped to my belly for baby, and you know just generally preparing for motherhood and labor and delivery.

I imagined myself at work too, a little embarassed about my belly and how unreal that would feel. In my mind it would still be me without all this hormonal chaos, but in fact I am kinda halfway in between being who I was who I am going to be (a mum) and the life I am going to live. Certainly disrupted, and certainly not all my own, because that is already happening, but also the joy, excitement, and all the possibility it will bring.

So I am in a chrysalis mode right now, and it's a good thing, but the transition is mostly difficult at this stage, awkward to deal with alone, and I am learning a few things.

I need to relax more and focus on being the pregnant person I wanted to be, because the vision I had of what I wanted to do and be does matter, and the only person hurting because I am not doing it, is me and baby. So more knitting, and decluttering and putting away of the clothes that no longer fit.

I am having to be more realistic at work too which is difficult. My first instinct is always and has, up until recently been, 'I can do that!' and I immediately sign up, but the reality is it leads to working every weekend til late, and some evenings, keeping up with commitments I made possibly rashly. Add to that the regular 'being an adult stuff' (dealing with phone companies and tenant issues), and dishes sitting around in the kitchen for WAY too long, and WAY too many for 1 and a bit persons and you get a bit of an overwhelming situation that it's hard to imagine anyone being able to help with.

So for my work life balance/sanity, I am going to live as I mean to a little more each day, and that means working as hard I as I can during the work day, setting goals and timelines for each task and really doing only what I can within the timeline because I have to move onto something else I promised tomorrow. That should free up my evenings and weekends substantially. Lets face it, I am much more tired than usual atm and the stress of working so much has not been good for me thus far or for my long distance relationship with my gorgeous hubby.

I am also trying to subscribe to the happiness project edict of 1 shelf at a time, of cleaning and organizing, swapping out my clothes, and getting enough rest. I am not going to 'commit' to more goals in the personal realm such as more knitting and exercise etc, because that will just create further stress, but I will say that 'soon' I will be knitting and dancing, reading and feeling good about my progress at work and around the house. That's it for my lofty goals until I have the baby. Persistent, one step at a time, 'stress less' and 'enjoy more' attitude daily.

BTW upcoming events milestones are for July 28, we find out sex of the baby, and I get to become a US citizen.

End of April 3 weeks to go

3 weeks til we leave, the flowers lady never got back to me about the aisle runners, the preacher never emailed us our vows so I can't call our priest yet, I haven't told the band what song we are going to dance to because we DONT KNOW yet, and the bridesmaids dresses don't fit (Shriek!!!) and I haven't tried on my dress yet. BUT, at least I have a florist now, I am seeing the dress maker tomorrow, and, ummmm, 'don't worry, about a thing... cos every little thing, gonna be alright'... RIGHT????

Yeah of course! Work is crazy, but I used to say I am better under pressure, it's time to put my money where my mouth is (speaking of which I have to figure out how much more this wedding is going to cost... hmmm, have to make a list for my mum to know who to pay, and how much to give them, and figure out if I give her cash or checks, somehow in euros... but I DIGRESS) As you can see it's easy to get distracted, the to do list gets ever smaller, some items are still multiplying, but my status on some things is actually COMPLETE now, so for that I am grateful.

I have the lingerie, some interesting shoes/boots, I am getting microdermabrasion done at Magnolia salon in East Nashville, and they are great, so all in all some of this planning lark can be fun. You know what else was fun? Going through my calendar for the 5 weeks that I will be away, and removing everything (this is my work calendar I am talking about) all of my meetings, appts, lessons, G-O-N-E (gee oh enn eeh), I have started adding appts for the first week, henceforth to be known as the 'Irish Wedding Week'. I am meeting with the florist on my birthday, Tuesday the 18th, and this is a definite freak out birthday for me, 28 is going too far, like. In all seriousness now, this kind of craziness has to stop.

So that was a FRACTIOUS post, but hopefully more light hearted than the militant itineraries, perhaps a little insight into the manic craziness that is my life right now. 

Love!

Sarah

Goals at Work

It's Goals Time at work, and I am having a hard time concentrating on these. For one I am nervous to promise too much, and for two, I want what I do to be useful, valuable, and not just a repeat of the same old same old.

It's tough trying to weigh up the monotony of the day to day, and just wanting to get through it some days, and truly making a difference, even if it means sticking out like a sore thumb. Am I wrong in thinking I am the only one experiencing this internal debate? Some people would advise me to just plough on, and others, would say keep shooting for the stars. I want to listen to the latter, but the flow of the stream as it were is firmly dragging me in the direction of the former. So I stand in the middle of the stream, getting increasingly frazzled, and am distracted.

Of course my personality and 'who I am' will only allow me to shoot for the stars, its the vague fuzziness of that, and translating this into concrete promises that I am about to make to the firm that has me nervous.

Am I overthinking this?