Change

I went through a change recently, it's still happening to me actually. It's complex and perhaps it was always happening but it was more under the surface, for whatever reason, I am hyper aware of it and have been for a few months.

It's really hard to explain, as it's been in countless small ways. I can't pinpoint exact reasons for it or what exactly it means, but I feel like I want to document it and through writing try to extract what I can from what I remember, for posterity, and for myself really when I am old and changed again, to remember, who I was in my 20's, who it feels like I am going to be in my 30's and be able to reflect from a vantage point far in the future of that, (if I'm lucky).

The biggest change in my life that probably had a direct impact on this was the arrival of Saoirse, and my move home to Ireland. Other things in my life such as my marriage, are benefiting and god knows what else.

Another contributing factor is that I can feel my perceptions shifting, the following example is of it happening at work.

I just noticed it happening in my perception of complexity in what others around me are doing. While I know that they are only human and are most likely dealing with no greater than the complexity I have, before I would have had that negative voice whispering that other people think that what I am doing isn't really that hard, but my perception has somehow shifted to a less complex world at work. I no longer worry about it, I have a renewed and unshakable belief that my contribution here is specific to my skill set, and would not be easy for someone else to do well, and that it is a good contribution.

To ponder on what events might have led to this little shift that felt epiphanic (I just thought of that word, and lo and behold it is really a word) this is what was going on in my mind, and what had happened that might have led to this epiphany or shift in perception.

For the last couple of days and all day today, I was dreading my user interviews that I had been setting up because I felt as if I wasn't as prepared as I should be. This was totally in error, and I was as well prepared as I needed to be, it went well and I got what I needed, as I always have. This was my perception and anxiety talking which I am recognizing more and more as hijacking my life and paralyzing my actions in an unwelcome way.

It triggered a sense of panic about the interviews and I know it does that to other areas of my life, easily overwhelming me with it regularly. I get anxious when I get overwhelmed, and just 15 minutes ago, I felt a shift in perception on this. I saw things that bit more more simply, experiencing and reflecting on how my expectations did not match my reality and that the reality was better than the anticipation made it out to be.

To overcome these feelings may require simply realizing in lots of small ways through purposeful reflection even, that things are simpler and less scary than I first perceive them to be... almost always.

This apparently has the effect of addressing the mild sense of panic that begins to rise, countering it with a soothing reminder of how things went well and usually do. With this happening I feel more powerful and capable and in control as a result.

This is just me in my life and of course just my own personal theory, and a reflection at that, but I think finally I feel it is justified and worthy of others to read about it. It is doing me good, I feel better for it, maybe it can help someone else, and expressing it feels good, and lets me keep my interest in psychology and why people do and feel things alive.

This change has resulted in my being just that little bit more happy to be me, and not feeling the need to perpetually justify or explain (even excuse) my idiosyncrasies.

It feels good, so I'm gonna keep doing it.

Addendum: The 'change' is still happening in lots of habit changing, self awareness, shifting of my axis kind of ways. There is a responsibility for self, slowing down in my brain, more purposeful and yet still driven way forward. There have been a few catalysts, the ones discussed above, things at work, and the Ted conference, being exposed to all these people that define their own purpose and raison d'etre in life, unapologetically, and I realized suddenly, that this life is MINE and I don't need anyone's approval or understanding, or agreement with what I choose to do with it. I can't believe I am only figuring this out now at 30 but I am just so glad I have.

29 & 364 days old

So I am 29 & 364 days old, that means that I am currently experiencing what will be the last day of my 20's for the REST OF MY LIFE.

Phew, this is seriously momentous, I expected more drama, but living my geographically dislocated life means that a lot of the people that I would like to be there and witness this with me are actually off living their lives in various parts of the world. Except for Jason who I love and am glad is here with me.

What a ride the first 30 years of my life have been, I don't know if I should be thrilled or freaked about how old I will be in another 30 because if my life fits a similar quantity of stuff in it, in the next 30 as the first 30 then maybe life isn't as short as I worry it is. Plus I hear there IS life after 60 (it also doesn't seem as old as it once did).

So what do I have to show for myself, I am a parent, a wife, a usability specialist, a jack of all trades and finally feel like I am beginning to be 'me' as a seperate thing from all of those 'titles'.

A wise woman (my cousin Stefanie) talked to me about being in her 30's last weekend, and said that you get a bit more content with life in your 30's, and I think that was  great way to describe it. I feel more settled in myself, more sure of what I want, and more confident that I have what it takes and will be alright after all. So those are all great things, I can't speak for what I will post when I am 39 going 40, but turning 30 is a great thing for me.

So to hell with the fanfare, that can wait, as can anything that stresses me out, or makes me run too fast, or isn't what I want. It's my life dammit. I have less pride but more confidence. I have more style and less reverence, more forgiving, for others and myself, and take more joy. I know it's weird to feel more free and more me after having a baby,  (being a parent has been a revelation and I love it love it love it) but I have always swum against the grain in this life and I now know that I no longer have to apologize for it or force myself to fit in anywhere. Bring it on 30!

On Becoming the Orchestrator of Holidays

Easter is coming up, and it feels like maybe it won't be special enough, what should we do? After all Michelle is leaving and we need it to be more special. We have no plans... truth be told, all holidays are starting to have that ring about them, like they may be starting to become 'work'. That makes me really sad, and rather than succumb and accept that (resist, even until death) I think I have figured out why at least.

It's because we are now the ones responsible for creating the magic of the holiday. As a child the 'Holiday' (with a capital H) was responsible for the magic, with Christmas, it was in the air, and everything mundane felt special, magical even. As a child who believed in magic and possibilities these times felt especially magical.

Now I realize it was not the 'Holiday' at all but the magic that my parents and family managed to weave that truly lifted my spirits. I had recently begun to feel disappointed with the way holidays were feeling like a forced joie de vivre, like I had to pretend, like a slightly inappropriate overgrown child type feeling. But now I feel empowered, as a parent, I can create that magic and use my imagination, create memories of any shape or description. The magic and specialness I felt as a child was real to me after all, and became a strong foundation for the person I am today. I feel empowered now to create that special foundation for my child, my princess.

So now I can look forward to Holidays again, (I always did anyway) but in a way that feels appropriate and real, and compares to the way I felt as a child. I can live the life vicarious, and do it through my baby, This is Saoirse's first Easter, and she will never remember it, but I will, and I think it should be special. Any ideas?

The Bear Necessities

Bear necessities, those simple bear necessities, forget about your worries and your strife! (Yeah man!) I need those bear necessities!

This blog post is about getting back to what's important, and figuring out what I care about most.

Part of the problem was that I never believed I was able to be singleminded enough to be really great at anything.

I always wondered why I couldn't stick to one pursuit and be a great singer, poet/songwriter or dancer. Just to do any of my favorite things as well as I would have liked. I accepted that I was a jack of all trades for many years and that was my excuse for never really dedicating myself to any of it. I never realized that all along I actually was dedicated with a dogged determination to the one thing that mattered the most to me.

For the last 8 years the dream and goal I have been pursuing was to return to Ireland without doing so foolishly. I wanted to still live a full life, keep advancing in my career, and not have to give up true love. Basically it had to make sense, and it hasn't until now. So I can forgive myself for not doing those other things because i have just reached the goal i had for 8 years and can even be proud of what I have achieved in getting here where I am now at a cross roads.

Getting here involved seizing the right opportunity at the right time, and having patience, both of these are difficult and things were harder than they needed to be thanks to the pace I set myself. All the 'milestones of life' I have rushed and pushed, I forgot to enjoy the journey, figure out what I truly wanted and take my time, to enjoy the journey.  It is sheer luck maybe that I actually have been truly blessed in what and who I have.

I don't know what the rush was though, it is one piece of advice I was given that I would try to give to my children, but I did not heed it when it was given to me. Don't be in such a hurry to do everything, especially grow up. Live a little, have some fun. I don't know how I will communicate how important this is to my kids, but I have a little time to figure that out.

but it's time to de clutter my life now. Take my time. Before I could only graze the surface of things that weren't part of getting here, but now that I have, I feel freed and fired up to see what's next. So the real question is,

What do you do when you finally achieve everything you thought you ever wanted?

I am committing myself to the pursuit of happiness, allowing myself to be present in the journey. The first step in the happiness project by Gretchen Rubin is simple, get enough rest, so you can have energy to use. Another is to de clutter your life, and so I will de clutter my goals, to accomodate my new status as a parent. With this in mind in mind, and some soul searching these are my four areas of focus. None matter without the others.

Resting... taking care of me - Stick to doing this, to enjoying the journey, taking my time, and being sure I have the energy to be at my best, so i can give my best. Making myself a priority is a challenge but doing it means I wont let others down.

Family - There is nothing more important than taking care of the most important people in my life. My daughter, husband, pets and family and friends all over the world. I am not doing this the way I want, and being able to love people and make room for them in my life is very important to me. Parenting is the biggest chunk of this next to falling in love with my husband every day, rediscovering all our love and joy, our reasons for being together, daily.

Career - Spending time developing my expertise and keeping current, being sharp and organized while at work, taking it to the next level, owning and taking pride in my work appearance and professional persona.

Self Expression - Song writing, blogging, getting to 'know thyself' (see my professional blog on using technology to do this and why it's important).

Anything else, I don't have room for right now, and will just take away from my ability to enjoy this phase of my life. I'm excited, and not anxious and thats a first, so bring it on, Carpe Diem.